The Anatomy of My Loneliness

My hands are shaking badly as I open a pack of Marlboro red. I am aching for a drag of that potentially lethal, and actually rewarding blue smoke that slowly floats and chases the moon just beyond my grilled window.

It is a hot, humid night and the noise of an assortment of motored vehicles persistently challenges my patience. I don’t know, but every time my menstrual cycle would come to its peak (mostly I determine its peak… I get mad and can’t get a reasonable excuse, it’s peaked… I ache and itch and bitch, it’s peaked… well you see the picture), I always feel like I’m being chased by the four horsemen of the apocalypse. And so, as the hoofs of the grey, black, white and red jockeys thunder in my ears, I sit and take a deep breath and afterwards a long drag of my faithful winged horse and I become its smoke. I float and seek to sit in the moon just beyond my window.

So much for laced talks, the truth is, I have nothing to do tonight. And I do not have enough to go out drinking. Well, there are three cans of pale pilsen in my mini refrigerator, but seeing that I should conserve it for later, more drastic situations, I opted to just thirst and think of that deliciously intoxicating, bubbly, cold taste of beer. Yeah right, I could go on describing how wonderfully delicious a bottle of beer is, and how even more wonderful its kick is after three or so bottles, but I can’t find the words to just describe how I’m so lonely right now. Well, I guess I just did.

I’m sooo lonely, and I don’t even know why.

Is it because I have no one to talk to? Well my fingers are already calloused in texting that SOB (this is actually a term of endearment) that threatens to ruin my 11-year relationship with my boyfriend. Oooops, boyfriend I say. Shit, why am I lonely then?

I don’t know. Well, haven’t you felt lonely, even when every one you know is just there, sitting beside you (well, you might be in a theatre you know…), and enjoying popcorn with you?

And is loneliness the virtue of just not having someone? In that case, I could not be lonely then? Well, I protest. I am lonely. And so I claim right now that loneliness is not just for the lonesome, or alone, or single. Well, loneliness does not concern number. That’s it.

Let me look then at the anatomy of my loneliness…

What have I got, and what haven’t I? Well, possession is relative. And I dare to say that with what I have, I am contented. Then, is it so of who I have? I have good friends with me. And what’s funny, the good friends that I have are also my drinking buddies, and so I do not have to sacrifice good times for a fix. So I guess that’s good. My boyfriend, he is your ideal partner. And he’s really a rare breed. Anyone can vouch for him. My family? You’re usual Filipino family, no problem in there too.

Ooohhh shoot. It must be me then….

Let’s see. Well, there’s nothing and no one left. Is there?

This is a choice then. I guess. When one is lonely, even beyond the noise of his or her life life, then it is because one permits himself to be. Negative emotions would always be in your doorstep. It’s just a matter of either you keep them out, or let them in… I had this whole page of introduction of how lonely I must be, and now, after several sentences I see that it’s my choice. Laughable. Next time, when I reach out for a pack of cigarette and can’t sleep just yet, I guess I’ll just have to admit the fact that I’m addicted to cigarettes, and then I may save some brain cells from burning away to oblivion, and maybe save on electric bills too, by not having to write on my perceived emotions. Till then, keep puffing…