you smiled

i knew you won’t be coming back

it was not yet a year since we last saw each other
when you called and said you wanted us to meet.

i had doubts then. Not knowing if I could look at you
again.

what I know is that I couldn’t not see you, and so
full of anticipation I slowly combed my hair
looked at the mirror,
pursed my lips,
wished so hard that it could be red
without needing to put on lipstick
but it was not, and so I carefully chose the color
pink.
i wanted to look younger.
i want you to remember how much you loved me
when we were young.
i want you to remember.
because those memories are my only hope.

i picked up my bag, and moved my way.
flying feet carried me to that place
where I would dare to hold your hands
but stop at the middle of wanting
fearing that they have held other hands
in between the absences of our stares.

i looked hard at you.
and you looked softly at me.
and for a moment we had nothing to say to each other.
when I opened my lips to say something
you blurted the year have been kind to me.

i wanted to say, no, not without you.
but I just smiled.
wishing you would recall
how you loved my smiles.
but you just smiled.
i knew then, you only miss me
the times we had.
i knew then you have ceased loving me.

you see, you could not even smile then
when I smile at you.
always, you tremble with happiness…